Blog
Sorry for not updating this place… I’ve had lots to do. I had a national piano competition (which I bombed) and another one this spring, plus a concert in December where I’m playing jazz. I’ve been applying for colleges and studying a new language, Ancient Greek…
The competition (M.T.N.A.) was pretty cutthroat; it’s one of the most popular ones here in the States. These teenagers were playing the most difficult pieces in the world, including Ondine, my site’s very namesake. One of the winners was the guy I wrote about last year: the seventeen-year-old who’d, with an orchestra, given the “best concert” his audience ever heard. This time, he played Ondine and Reminiscences de Norma, whose chords come down like violent torrents of July rain, whose scales and octave runs cover the entire piano. I’m both fascinated and unnerved at having to compete with the likes of him. The fact that I could even enter this competition says something about me -- clearly I’ve come really far. But how could I ever beat him? I played parts of Beethoven and Rachmaninoff sonatas, but due to caffeine issues, nerves, and artistic neglect, I was easily the worst player. I forgot whole sections! I don’t regret going whatsoever, though. I learned a lot -- I met my old rivals again and watched new ones, and I learned a lot about my skills in practice and performing. Most importantly, though, I realized I really don’t see a future without music — there’s nowhere else I feel so at home.
My dream home is a two-room house with some books and my family piano; I’m not very financially ambitious for someone aiming for prestigious colleges. I guess I just want to find people who are as motivated as I am to learn about the world. I don’t know if it’ll work — I’ve known brilliant kids who went to community colleges, and utterly shallow people who’ve went to Top 20s and even Ivies. There are two kinds of “smart” people — people who memorize tons of facts to get good grades and brag, who want to satisfy their egos; then, there are those genuinely humbled by the sheer beauty of the Universe, those honored to study every detail of the grand design. But it’s hard to find a place in this world where everyone’s the second type and not just the first. I know someone at a T20 who unironically idolizes Mark Zuckerberg, and proudly says money is more important than basic human decency. On the other hand, I have friends who haven’t gone to college, but who love talking about classic literature, history, film, science, musicology… Being obsessed or hardworking in school doesn’t make you necessarily wise or interesting, is what I’m saying. However, it’s still my best bet for finding people I relate to. I never thought the day would come when I got bored of learning Russian, my best language, but here we are. To not forget it altogether, I’ve been reading Pushkin’s poems; however, being like a kid who constantly wants shiny new toys, I decided to start a new language, Ancient Greek. I like dead languages and new alphabets; plus, I’ve started getting interested in Ancient Greek religion. I personally don’t care much for arguing which faith is “right” — they’re all, in some way, a recognition something exists transcending time, space, and human logic, which I personally think is the main point. However, I find it quite fascinating how the Greeks particularly fell into bouts of “thea mania”, or divine madness, where they’d start uprooting trees or killing animals with their bare hands in sheer frenzy. All faiths emphasize different things — Buddhism contentment, Christianity compassion (at least, on paper); for Hellenism, I’d say the emphasis is on transcendent experiences, on getting in touch with the wildness of the world and the chaos of the human subconscious. Now I’m not saying I’m about to run around killing wild animals, but in a world so valuing order, clarity, and productivity, I’m intrigued by the chaos and mysteries of ancient life. Maybe I sound weird… Anyway, if for nothing else, I’m also learning Greek for its plays and philosophy. Thank you for your interest, I hope you’ve been doing well :) if you’d like, here’s a beautiful piece I heard at the competition — a different recording, but the same impression.
Exams have been very stressful, but other than that, life hasn’t been so bad. I’ve made a small circle of friends at my new school, and we’ve bonded quickly, all being studious, unpopular kids with a sense of adventure. We’re going to have a crazy summer, going to tons of cities, museums, ballets, concerts, burning our homework, attending fairs, and hanging out at each other’s houses to watch films. In a way, it’ll be our way to reclaim all the precious teenage years we’ve wasted, being all loners or academic burnouts.
This spring, I won two piano competitions and performed twice; from my experiences and the people I’ve met, I’m starting to realize that finding a fulfilling musical career isn’t necessarily as hard as people say it is. One thing I’ve realized is that while some luck is involved in success as a musician, eighty percent of it is just hard work. During my competitions, I met some fascinating people who have performed in Europe and Carnegie Hall, and even though I’m just some ordinary, depressed suburbanite with no background, somehow I’ve won awards alongside them and played at levels similar to theirs because I practiced. Also, many people online have told me it’s impossible to be successful as a pianist, but that’s because they think “success” is being a full-time, world-class concert performer. Now, though, I’ve met people who are happy just accompanying, teaching, competing, and going to music festivals, sometimes enjoying the opportunity to travel and play in a big concert hall. That kind of life is actually much more relaxed and healthy because you have time for friends, family, and hobbies. Learning this was very important for me; perhaps I’ll write a page about it sometime.
I have mixed feelings about competitions. It’s fun meeting other pianists, sure, but most of us couldn’t even watch each other’s performances because we were too busy rehearsing. Isn’t music meant to be shared? It’s another reason I’m not aiming too high with my musical career – it can make you very isolated from the world, to the point it becomes more about personal success than genuinely inspiring others. But I’ll still compete — the mix of adrenaline, fear, and excitement is a fun change from my life’s usual monotony. And it’s fun to wear fancy clothes and play a Steinway concert grand, and to hear other musicians’ stories. But most of all, what I like about competitions is the ceaseless pursuit of transcendence, absolute grace — pushing yourself beyond your limits, working harder than you think you even can; day after day, practicing until the sun sets to hone your art to perfection. Sacrificing hundreds of hours to create, in the end, the impression of sublimity, of magic, of something too beautiful for this world.
Thank you for reading :) if you’d like, here’s a nice song. It seems to embody the spirit of the summer I’m excited for. Have a nice day! Hello! I hope you’re doing well, dear reader. It’s been a while since I last wrote here; I’ve been terribly busy with school, books, and other stuff, and I expect I shall be for a long time. But this website is a long-term project which I shall never abandon. I never managed my aforementioned summer plan, but what I did learn over the summer is the habit of reading like there’s no tomorrow. Now I read on the bus, while walking, between classes, during lunch, before bed. Right now I’m working on Infinite Jest — which was not part of my plan, but whatever, it was cheap on eBay. Honestly, I’m surprised by how interesting the book is — some people act like reading it is the ninth circle of literary Hell, but it’s actually more funny and witty than I expected, but also depressing, with interesting insights into modern American society and how hedonistic and addicted we’ve become. True, it can be crazy at times — for example, there’s a three-page footnote talking about a dead fictional man’s filmography in extreme detail. But being crazy, overwhelming, and whimsical isn’t bad. Though it’s possible my sense of “fun” has been permanently fractured by Moby-Dick’s long whaling chapters, or perhaps I just haven’t reached the really hard parts yet… To be honest, I’ve given up on trying to completely eliminate social media from my life. Before, I used to act like it was some deadly evil, but I realized that demonizing it so intensely wouldn’t let me forget about it and move on. “The forbidden fruit is the sweetest”, as they say; whenever I was hopeless or stressed out, I found myself logging back onto Reddit. Now, I have an account again, and have accepted that, because I live in the twenty-first century, I was taught at a young age to communicate with and seek help from the world online, and it has become a nearly irreversible part of who I am. But now that I’ve returned, I actually haven’t been using it much — not because I’m making extreme efforts not to, but because I’ve developed the routine of packing my days with so much work that I don’t have time to lie around on my bed and scroll anymore. Besides, now that I have an account, I’ve joined subreddits with stuff much less eye-catching and sensationalistic than the memes and politics on the main page. Anyway, thank you for your interest; if you’d like, have a Rachmaninoff prelude. It is my friend’s favorite, and I am currently learning it. Have a great day ^^ Hello, I am currently reading The Grapes of Wrath and The Master and Margarita. The latter was a book I was supposed to finish weeks ago for a Neocities book club, but around two hundred and fifty pages in, I realized I didn’t know enough about the time period and Soviet zeitgeist to understand the allegories forming the backbone of the book. In other words, I had almost no idea what was going on. Therefore I am postponing it to learn more about Soviet history and perhaps huff some copium. Throughout the summer, I shall try (keyword: try) to read the following: If I have more time (hardly likely): I tend to focus on classics, specifically Russian and American literature. Of course, (many) masterpieces come from every country, but it’s easier to understand books’ historical contexts and authors’ mindsets when you focus on one or two countries. To address the other part of the title, this summer a friend and I made a bonfire out of schoolwork. All of our constant fear and stress turned into a pile of ashes. If you’d like to try it too, I can say three things: do it in an open area, as it produces a lot of smoke; don't burn all your papers at once, but split them into piles and gradually add them to the fire. This ensures that all the papers are thoroughly burned. Use kindling, such as dead pine leaves, or it’ll burn very slowly. Anyhow, after indulging in our pyromanic tendencies, we bought root-beer floats and hung out at a bookstore until dusk. Thank you for your interest, dear reader. If you’d like, here’s a pleasant Scriabin prelude.All ado (October 17th, 2025)
Summer (May 19th, 2025)
Lifestyle changes; Infinite Jest (Aug. 19th, 2024)
Reading plans; my summer (Jun. 16th, 2024)
Musical daydreams (May 24th, 2024)
I’m planning to work on Beethoven’s Pathetique this summer; my teacher thinks it’ll help me improve my physical skills. She told me that she intended for me to eventually play a concerto, with a real orchestra. The piano has just been a personal hobby for me, something I hanker away at after school for fun; I’ve never expected that it would get this far. It’s very exciting to think about playing in front of a real audience like that—to no longer just be some nobody kid in the suburbs, but a real pianist, making a real contribution to music.
The last time I performed in public was when I was ten. I was admitted to a school talent show to play the piano. I still remember that night—wearing my mom’s fancy necklace and a glittery black dress, I stepped out of my parents’ car into the cold night air, heading to the school’s music room, which was filled with other performers. Some kids were dancers, others solved Rubik’s cubes. The room was alive with murmur; I remember seeing one vomit from nervousness. At last, it was my turn. I stepped out of the music room, onto the stage in the adjacent cafeteria. Being in the warm limelight, seeing the hundreds of faces in the shadows, it felt almost surreal, I felt weightless and like I was dreaming; there’s a certain adrenaline rush you get when you’re up there, partially fear but also great excitement. When I stood up, the life returned to me, and the whole cafeteria erupted into applause. When I returned to the music room with the other performers, they all began clapping—they’d heard it as well.
But that was long ago. Life got in the way, and for years I stopped playing the piano altogether... No more limelight, just an ordinary life of homework, books, and AP classes, even when I started playing again. Sometimes I wonder how far I would’ve gotten if that hadn’t happened. A few months ago, a friend and I saw a seventeen-year-old pianist, just two years older than us, perform Liszt’s First Piano Concerto with a local orchestra. Everyone gave him a standing ovation, and I even heard some remark that he was the best pianist they’d ever heard. We were nearly the same age and yet walked such different paths in life: he was up there on the stage, a whole audience before him, and I just another member of the crowd, filing away with the rest...
Now, though, there’s a chance things could change. Not to say I could become a pianist rivaling that fellow, but perhaps I could have the limelight once again.
Anyhow, thank you for your interest; I hope you’ve been well.
Site plans; how I’ve been (Apr. 7th, 2024)
Hello, welcome to my blog. This website has grown fairly quickly, and I’ve been contemplating plans for new content. The long-term focus of it will probably be my interests in language, history, art, and so on. One of my favorite parts of the Internet is when people write pages and pages about fields they’re passionate about, whether it’s the laws of physics or a dissection of a Shostakovich cantata; I’d like join them in doing so. On the other hand, though, if I make this website too academic, it will grow inaccessible, impersonal, and probably a little pretentious. I’ll try to balance it out with more personal content—in this blog, for example, and a photography page. At some point, I also plan to translate this website into Russian; if nobody reads it, at least it’s good practice.
What I hope to achieve in this website’s decoration is the image of a winter night in a New England city—spiraling snow, frozen old statues and gardens, golden lamp-posts, brick buildings, carousels, warm symphony halls, subway stations, grand galleries and exhibitions. My childhood home and the books I grew up reading bred a strong nostalgia for this specific image. I shall also add some elements of “Dark Academia.”
Plans aside, what has been going on in my life? Well, I had a dream that Shostakovich was added to Genshin Impact (though I don’t play video-games anymore.) I turned sixteen. I’ve been reading Anna Karenina and Brave New World. I’ve still been fighting to stay away from social media and gaming. It’s a real struggle to download video-games and delete them three minutes later.
Thank you for your time, dear reader; have a nice day. If you’d like, here’s a nice symphony.